Well, what else do you do early in the morning when you wake up realizing that you're warm from arid desert Spokane being 80% humidity? You blog of course!!Steven has mentioned several times how I should blog here sometime, so by golly, I'm starting @ 1 a.m.! This might be interesting and long, hence the length...;)
The Good, the Bad, and the Masquerade
If you were to ask me, "How are you doing?" right now, I could give you one of two answers.
Answer #1: I could, with a well-practiced smile, tell you all the fantastic things going on in our life. For instance, how Steven is thriving at Moody as an instructor (he was "warned"
Answer #2: The other answer I could give you is not such a pleasant picture. I could tell you how tedious are some of Steven's jobs he is assigned waiting for another plane to inspect... since, of course, he finished the last one so quickly ; ). I could tell you how extremely tired he has been lately and how wearing that has been on me. I could also tell you about Judah being sick with a mysterious temperature two weekends in a row and being extremely fussy in between. I could tell you about coming home, in tears, this past weekend from a much needed woman's retreat (which I helped plan), having left early because Judah had cried nearly the whole night before. I could tell you about being frustrated that I can't take care of my tired husband, sick and fussy son, my tiny condo which I feel like should be clean, my relationships with family and friends (here and in NC), and most of all, my relationship with God. I could tell you...I am weary to the core of my being, frustrated with circumstances, bitter at the people I love most because they can't meet my needs, and how truly needy I am right now. Both answers would be the truth, but who wants to tell the truth that does not support the lie that life is always "sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows"?
He Restores my Soul
So this was the condition of my weary soul, coming broken before our Lord and Savior this weekend. At the end of my self, my arms too weak to hold up the mask, knowing full well, my Savior knows the true state of my heart anyways. I felt very much like the Apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians, bearing to the Corinthians openly all his afflictions and suffering, calling himself a "jar of clay," "afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Cor. 4:7-8)
I took a long walk yesterday afternoon, desperate for refreshment. I started to complain to God. What I heard from Him was a quiet command to praise Him. What I wanted to hear? No. What I needed? Yes. Oh how the bitterness quickly melted away as I reflected on the mercy, the grace, the humility of my Savior to have died for me, the power of His creative majesty, and the sovereignty of His almighty plan. In light of the truth of who God is the truths of who I really am came to light. I am bitter because I am a sinner, I am hurting because this is a sinful world full of pain, and I am given grace and mercy in time of need (Heb. 4:16) because He loved me first and sent his Son to be the propitiation for {my} sins. (1 John 4:10)
So this afternoon, I had my own retreat sitting on a sunny hill in a local park. Only two people came on this retreat: myself and God. The schedule was simple: I just wrote the things for which I am thankful and reflected on His character. At the end of the time, the phrase from the well-known Psalm, Psalm 23:3, resounded in my heart...."He restores my soul."
1 comment:
Beautifully written, Dawn! What a wonderful testimony to God's faithfulness in our lives---His faithfulness to meet our needs in His way and in His time. So glad you were able to have your own "God designed" retreat!
Love you!!
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